Bath

Went for a bath. In the shower. Have stopped bathing from the bucket a long time. A bath of contriteness, of guilt,of repentance.

….bhabona kahare bole
….jatona kahare bole

The water gushed out. No change in the way it comes out. It comes out everyday in this way only. Would have liked more force today. But how can it know. It has life. How can it understand what a lifeless object like me craves for?????

….tomra je bolo diboso rojoni
………………………….………..
…………………….. kare koy
….se ki kebole jatonamoy

So it came out. I decided to shampoo. I had already done my beard and moustache last day. No point doing it today also. It drenched me. My hair, my face, my chest, my arms,my pelvis,my legs,my feet. It drenched me. Rested my arms on the wall. Hung my head. And then raised my head. The water fell on my eyes. It probably hid a lot of things. Or did I cry at all??

………seki kebol e chokkehr jol
seki kebol e dukher shash
loke tobe kore ki sukher e tore
emon dukhero aash………….

I hung my head again. The bath continued. The bath of compunction. A painstaking bath of penitence. I kept humming a song. Or did I? Its all in the head. Or somewhere else??

…..fool se hasite hasite jhore
jochhona hasiya milaye jay
hasite hasite alok sagare…….

My eyes closed, the water fell directly on my forehead,on my eyes. The light shone beyond the water gushing out. I opened my eyes. I saw the light. But couldn’t keep my eyes open. Never destined for the light. The light is too sad. And I’m too happy……

……amar moto sukhi k ache
ay sokhi ay amar kache
sukhi hridoyer sukher gaan
suniye toder jurabe pran…….

I started shampooing & soaping myself. The lather was quite a bit. Went into my eyes. Generally it itches. But it didn’t. I washed myself. A desperate attempt to wash off all the sins. An attempt so that I can be sad again. Sadness just eludes me. Lets be happy then my friends……

protidin jodi kadibi kebol
ekdin noy hasibi tora
ekdin noy bisad bhuliya
sokole miliya gahibo mora

If,if only,if only a bath could wash off all your sins…………………………………………………………………………..

:) :| :(

Feel like crying. Just crying. On and on.
But I can’t. And that’s not good at all. Me not being able to cry is not at all a good thing.
I’m silent.
Serene.
Calm.
Numb.
Dead.
Music.
Books.
I walk. I want to run. I can’t.
Impossible is nothing.
But I can’t.
My fault.
But I can.
For you a thousand times over….
A hug heals