Porbo na tai likchi

The practice is gone and so is the touch and the urge to write. Gone are the days when blogging was a hobby to me, when I discovered I could write and express myself by writing – be it the diary or the blog. Choi and specially Sreo were great inspirations then. They still are. But lyadh gets the better of me. Its not good. Facebook helps but it destroys also. The creativity subsides. But you get a lot of friends and ‘friends’ and ‘cheap popularity’ (sarcasm fully intended – had to be unsubtle enough to mention this). And despite repeated promises to my diary that I will be back, I never returned. And the blog is like some very old diary lying in the attic covered in dust. But they have been good friends. But whatever. Doesn’t matter……………see my habit is just gone……….this is just shit stuff. Watched Babel. Blown off. And we still have people saying main hoon na and OSO are good movies!!! Yuk!!!! The final sems start from 19th this month and I have so far very carefully avoided even looking at my books coz it gives me guilty pangs. But it kinda bit me today. And kinda forced me to at least get my books lying with Shreya throughout the sems. *wide boka-boka grin* Not that it could stop me from going to South City to meet Aritra, Mayank, Rudra and co. and watching Mir and Brett Lee perform and gobble up momos and phalyas from Denzong. But at least my books are with me!!! 2:47 at night is not really a good time to start studying. So just doing some ‘academic’ activity by writing! *Broader grin*. And Chelsea lost to ManU. *boooo hoooo hoooo*. Off.

Storm

A storm. Yet to pass. It blinded me. Didn’t know where to take refuge. Screamed,ran,bumped ,fell down. No one. Courage. Courage. Come to me. Courage grinned. Sadistically. Tears started winning. A hand, a face, a soul! Were we not to face the storm together? You chose greener pastures. I was left to fight the storm. An empty infinity. The storm makes you err. To err is human. But I was fighting. Just with the storm. For a better us. Now. Now I have to fight the storm, I have to fight me. A me. A good me. A me wanting us. That me still speaks. The other me tries to stab it. Alas! But that me doesn’t die. Its immortal. It’s a spirit. Abstract. Omnipresent. Tears came. Tears saw. Tears conquered. No it didn’t. it dried up. If only the tears could conquer! Those are drops of rain you see. As if the storm wasn’t enough. Down came the rain in full flow. The storm and the rain. Its battle between them also. I don’t walk alone. I walk with my ‘me’s. Screaming silence keeps me awake. And the ‘me’ reside inside me!

The little red bud

A little red bud-
Chose not to wake up.
Full of life,full of fun
The red bud promised much.
The sun shone brightly,
The wind blew lightly.
But the little red bud
Feared a life full of fun.
The flowers pleaded,
The leaves requested
Her to wake up.
But the little red bud
Just won’t wake up!
She feared the bees sting,
The pecking of the birds.
But never opened her eyes
To see how beautiful is the earth.
The sun gave her light,
And a little bit of life.
The bud peeped out a little.
And got a taste of mirth.
She got a bit of rain;
And the bud feared again.
She closed herself down,
And gave the sun a frown.
The sun called and called,
‘Come out of your shell,
You’re living in a hell’
But the little red bud
Won’t wake up!
The sun had the power,
To turn her into a flower.
The sun just knows
What a wrong path she chose.
The little bud is dying
The sun is crying.
‘wake up,there’s still some time’
As long as the sun still shines…

If Only

If only.
I remain awake till very late
At night
Hoping
If only
The cell phone buzzes
A call
Or maybe a message
Or maybe just a call missed
A sign of life
If only..
I open the chat window
Beforehand
In expectation
Maybe I expect a lot more
Than what I should
If only
I could get a little
Sign of life
If only
That certain emotion
Didn’t touch me
If only
I could be
A piece of log
If only
Life can be rewound
If only
I wake up
From a dream
A nightmare
If only…
If
Only…………………………..

Bath

Went for a bath. In the shower. Have stopped bathing from the bucket a long time. A bath of contriteness, of guilt,of repentance.

….bhabona kahare bole
….jatona kahare bole

The water gushed out. No change in the way it comes out. It comes out everyday in this way only. Would have liked more force today. But how can it know. It has life. How can it understand what a lifeless object like me craves for?????

….tomra je bolo diboso rojoni
………………………….………..
…………………….. kare koy
….se ki kebole jatonamoy

So it came out. I decided to shampoo. I had already done my beard and moustache last day. No point doing it today also. It drenched me. My hair, my face, my chest, my arms,my pelvis,my legs,my feet. It drenched me. Rested my arms on the wall. Hung my head. And then raised my head. The water fell on my eyes. It probably hid a lot of things. Or did I cry at all??

………seki kebol e chokkehr jol
seki kebol e dukher shash
loke tobe kore ki sukher e tore
emon dukhero aash………….

I hung my head again. The bath continued. The bath of compunction. A painstaking bath of penitence. I kept humming a song. Or did I? Its all in the head. Or somewhere else??

…..fool se hasite hasite jhore
jochhona hasiya milaye jay
hasite hasite alok sagare…….

My eyes closed, the water fell directly on my forehead,on my eyes. The light shone beyond the water gushing out. I opened my eyes. I saw the light. But couldn’t keep my eyes open. Never destined for the light. The light is too sad. And I’m too happy……

……amar moto sukhi k ache
ay sokhi ay amar kache
sukhi hridoyer sukher gaan
suniye toder jurabe pran…….

I started shampooing & soaping myself. The lather was quite a bit. Went into my eyes. Generally it itches. But it didn’t. I washed myself. A desperate attempt to wash off all the sins. An attempt so that I can be sad again. Sadness just eludes me. Lets be happy then my friends……

protidin jodi kadibi kebol
ekdin noy hasibi tora
ekdin noy bisad bhuliya
sokole miliya gahibo mora

If,if only,if only a bath could wash off all your sins…………………………………………………………………………..

:) :| :(

Feel like crying. Just crying. On and on.
But I can’t. And that’s not good at all. Me not being able to cry is not at all a good thing.
I’m silent.
Serene.
Calm.
Numb.
Dead.
Music.
Books.
I walk. I want to run. I can’t.
Impossible is nothing.
But I can’t.
My fault.
But I can.
For you a thousand times over….
A hug heals

Polled

Municipal elections took place today. My first municipal vote & my second vote in my life! For once I actually decided to go for the “refuse to vote” option & exercise my right to refuse my vote. (A certain article 49-O of the Indian constitution allows you to do so) Entered the room. Me and mom & there was no other voter at that particular time in our room. And there were at least 8-9 polling officials. Seemed like a huge number at that time. Mom’s procedure went on smoothly. She got verified & cast her vote(to whom I refuse to spill out for obvious reasons).
And then it was me-predecided to refuse my vote. Got my verification done. Signed the copy reverse. God knows why but that what the officials insisted upon. Maybe they saved a bit of ‘hard’ work in this way!!! The ‘hard’ work of turning the copy every time someone signed.
And then I said “ami amar vote ta cancel korte chai”
One replied “mane?”
Another said “eta abar ki? Erom hoy na.”
“Cancel korben mane”
“Ami vote dite refuse korchi”,I explained.
“O achha haan ota hoy,kora jay”,said one of the polling officials.
“Haan eta koriye dichhi thik e,kintu apni amader khatalen besi.Ekhn amader khatte hobe abar”,a visibly reluctant official replied.
He wrote down “refused to vote” beside my name,visibly dissatisfied by the extra khatni I imposed on him.
I went on to get the voter mark on my hand when the person giving the mark said “apni to vote e denni keno debo daag?debo na.”
“Apni bhul korchen ami vote diyechhi,niyom onujayi apnake kali lagatei hobe”,I replied.
“E abar kemon vote dewa holo,keno kali lagabo?”,asked the person controlling the EVM.
“Etao ek prokar vote dewa,kali lagan”,replied the official who seemed to be the most knowledgeable of the lot.
And there was I. Democratic right fully exercised while being a good citizen.
But the furore I created in a calm & quite polling booth with some ignorant officials just by refusing to vote proves one thing. That the common people hardly know theirs rights & some of the basic rules of the game. This refusal to vote after registering yourself in a polling booth is to me a slap to all those politicians and parties to whom the only thing that matters is exploitation of power. I’ll not take any names coz all the parties are same at the end of the day. The very fact that none of the political parties let know the common people of 49-O proves that what they care is selfish gain. Exploiting the common people of their basic rights. I’m sure only a handful of Indian citizens(specially Bengal citizens) know of this rule. Had they known it I personally feel a huge number of people wud have chosen this path.

Question....

Feeling so numb today…seems like I’ve totally grown up….I can handle all situations….I don’t wanna grow up….I don’t like it.....I love to be innocent…..childhood days back please…..can’t the whole world be happy????I know it can’t….its not practical….but what’s bad with it…..can’t we ask for that much?????That everybody will be happy?????I keep it hidden…I don’t wanna show even if something keeps me unhappy…coz the saying goes “be the change u want to see”…..so I stay ‘happy’….and try my best to keep the world happy…..we are human beings….an advanced species….we have the power to execute the good in our heart through actions…..but we don’t…..sometimes I feel so sick of all this….why??just why????why can’t we make it better?????can someone please answer???

abar likhbo

Its been a long time. Now I must write. Whatever bull shit it may be I will write. My writing was in abeyance for reasons quite unknown to me! It seemed that only a sudden surge of emotions used to make me write. But I cant allow that to continue. Emotions or no emotions I have to write. Gibberish. Or no gibberish. I am going to write

Innocence lost?

Does anybody just lose innocence or are we forced to? To climb up the ladder of success we have to dump innocence in the garbage lot. Coz that’s shit. Utter shit. I don’t say that. They say it. Ones who are ‘successful’. But are they actually successful? Can they answer their conscience always? I don’t know. I keep getting confused. The little boy called Bruno couldn’t figure out what farmers were doing in ‘striped pajamas’, why the farmers could play the number game while he was forbidden. I am equally confused. The world seems wrong. But then so many people living in it ‘happily’. So I must be wrong. Maybe it’s a sin to be innocent once you leave the school. Can’t an innocent person be successful? Everyday I’m losing a bit of my innocence. I don’t want to. Or maybe I’m trying to hold on to it desperately. In the process ending up on the ‘losing’ side. But who is actually losing? Is it me? Or the people who are actually losing ‘it’? I just hate politics…innocence lost………

PJ Collection 3

1.Q: Who had a double role in movie 'Sholay'?
A: King George
He is on both sides of the coin

2.What is the color of frequency??

Purple

Unit of frequency - Hertz
You can write it as - 1/sec
i.e. par [per] second

In Hindi, second is also called as 'pal'
therefore: PARPAL

3.Ek Kana [one-eyed] Ladka Kisi ladki ko Propose kare to kaun sa gana Gayega??
Ek Nazar se bhi pyar hota hai maine suna hai...

4.What do u call a cylinder of radius "z" units and height "a" units?
- Pizza!

Volume of cylinder= Pi * r * r * h
=>pi*z*z* a
=Pizza

5.Why does not Santa wake up early.. i.e. when the day dawns.. or sun rises.. but
instead get up when the sun is already shining bright...

Because he has realised the fact that.. "dawn ko pakadna mushkil hi nahin.. na mumkin hain..

6.Once in MIT, there was an Indian student.
He was very brilliant, and his General Knowledge (GK) was excellent.
He won every Quiz in the institute ....
Once he fell in love with a Phirangi girl...
He proposed to the girl, but she straight away rejected him ... calling him
Bloody Desi...
After this, his GK fell drastically, and he stopped taking part in Quiz
and all.....
.
.
.
.
.
.

because,

Jab Dil hi toot gaya....
to GK kya karenge ...

Schindler's List

An absolutely amazing movie! A movie that made me cry & then stand up & clap for it. A piece of marvel. This is art. A story that gives you goose bumps, a screenplay that leaves you speechless. Its brilliant. Its moving. It makes you cry. It has to be good! It is!!! Hitler may have done so many wrong things. But in a way its because of Hitler only that Schindler’s list was made by Spielberg. It’s a must watch for each and every one. Man what an effect would have been created had I seen it in the movie halls! The minute detailing. The perfect use of colour when needed & black-and-white for the rest. I just can’t find words to describe it!!!!!

Grey

Confused. What is right and what is wrong? What to do and what not? Good or bad? Taking my first few steps into the big, bad world. A world where if you don’t choose certain wrong paths you get kicked out of the race and if you do, you cheat yourself. What is right? A perfect balance between the two or should we always try our best to take the ‘correct’ path whatever may be the result? Its actually complicated. The pure ME getting entangled in a mesh of this dirty world & creating a grey self – a Manichean approach to this world is not the order of the day. Always want to be white but black keeps showing the easy paths & keeps giving mouth-watering offers. White stops it. a grey self results. But is grey good? I can only hope that its light grey!

Bhindeshi Tara

amar bhindeshi taara

eka raateri akashe

tumi bajale ektara

amar chilekothar pashe

thik shondhe namar mukhe

tomar naam dhore keu daake

mukh lukiye kar buke

tomar golpo bolo kake

amar raat jaga taara

tomar onno paray bari

amar bhoy pawa cehara

ami adote anari

amar akash dekha ghuri kichu mitthe bahaduri

amar chokh bedhe dao alo dao santo shitol pati

tumi mayer motoi bhalo ami eklati poth hati

amar bicchiri ek tara

tumi naona kotha kane

tomar kisher eto tara

rasta par hobe sabdhane

tomar gaye lagena dhulo amar dumutho chal chulo

rakho sorire haat jodi ar jol makho dui haate

plz ghum hoye jao chokhe amar mon kharaper raate

amar raat jaga tara

tomar akash choya bari

ami paina chhute tomay

amar ekla lage bhar...........

In absolute love with this song. Soothes me each and every time I listen to it. Awesome creation. A pensive mood makes the song even more beautiful.Enjoying it like never bofore!

Jaundice memories

“Tobo mukut porilo podotole hay eki dosha
Egg roll e aaj sudhui peyaj nai sosha”

Chandrabindoo guessed a little wrong. Egg roll e ajkal they don’t give any peyaj & stack it with sosha. Guess that’s coz of the high price of peyaj. I still remember buying onions at a ‘very high’ price of Rs10/kg when dad had jaundice. I was in class 1 or 2 then. In new ballygunge. I used to a lot of shopping in those days. Mom used to go to the bazaar coz baba was all ‘yellow’(nah not like Coldplay!) and in those few days we ate only rui mach coz she never dared to go beyond that fearing that she would get duped by the fishmongers! And we ate ladies-finger which were actually harder to bite than an actual lady’s finger! And lau at almost double the price! Ahh man. Nostalgia of dad’s jaundice. But it was really fun in those days! Those probably were the best days of my life!

Nesha

ek antaheen opekkha.hoyto tomar e jonyo.kintu tumi koi?tumi hole morichika.accho ki?na.hoyto ba achho.aar aami?aami khuje berai kumeru,sonali morubhumir majhhe.aar tumi morichika hoye amay hatchhani dao.e je ek odbhut neshay ami motto.bari boshe thakte parina aami.sei morubhumi,surjer sei tibro roshmi.jaliye puriye chharkhar kore dey.na amar sorir na.amar ontortake.tobu aami chhute berai.kintu keno?ei sei nesha.hotath ekta cactus.tatei helan diye suye pori.tao nei kono nirer sondhan.chhinnobhinno hoye jay bairer sorirtao.jirno,asohay,dishaheen-tobu keno chhute berai bolte paro tumi?e kemon nesha??????????????

In LOVE with

In love with :

Music (can anyone really live without it?)
Chelsea (true blue always!!)
Food (biriyani deserves special mention)
Aritra (needs no explanation)
Eclecia (new found love)
South Point (old love)
Denver (u fill up my senses!)
Dan Brown (breathtaking)
Aritra & Mayank (had to mention them together)
Nascent (freshers’ welcome)
Mathematics (still my favourite subject)
Her (yeah I do love her)
Floyd (feel closer to heaven)
Brazil (samba)
Jana gana mana
Guitar (my 1400 worth true tone)
Chatting (unnecessarily wasting my time away)
Chasbas (credits to Farmville)
Heritage (present love)
Butin & Tampu(these 2 are obvious)
Money (who doesn’t love u?)
Her again
Black t-shirts (do I have any of other colour?)
Movies (sorry cant single out one)
India
Rehman (genius)
Nettech (spend the best one month of life with them at SMIT)
Life (I just love the ups & downs of it although some of it is quite unpleasant)
Blue (my fav colour though I hav this tremendous affinity towards black)
Chetan Bhagat (love his style)
AXN The Amazing Race (coz dats what life is)
SMSing (best way to keep contact)
Tv (idiots do prefer idiot box)
Her again
Parents (don’t show, but I guess I do)
Career Launcher classes (my love for Maths & English)
Sine curve (this needs a huge explanation)
Sadness (coz that when u get to enjoy happier times)
My diary (holding some of my deepest ‘secrets’)
Blogging (sorry! I ignore it at times)
The Kite Runner(for u a thousand times over)
Kutkuting (orkut,facebook,twitter)
Her again
& finally
MYSELF

What facebook says

Well this is not what i have written about me,but what facebook has returned in a couple of quizzes!And well i guess most of the predictions match!


You love the crowd... a party animal! Too many “friends”, you can’t easily tell which among them is real and not...

You’re usually expressive... Open about your emotions an...d most of the time willing to talk about it.

You love deeply... you may flirt along and people think you’re a playboy/playgirl but the truth is: your heart belongs to only one.

You have so many ideas in mind... You’re creative and aggressive! If you want something, you’ll do anything to get it!

You’re an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend... You don’t care if your partner doesn’t really love you as long as you love him/her. You give your all...

You’re undoubtedly good-natured! Most of the time, people are confident to approach you because they know you will consider them.

You’re independent! You’re also risky just like the bajaken who sail in the vast and dangerous ocean to look for treasures!


When people look into your eyes, they see mysteries galore. You're a deep and intellectual person, and others can see that through your sparkling eyes. You're quiet and shy, but once you get to know someone, you become comfortable around them. Your eyes often spark curiousity in others, and it bothers people how they can never tell what you're really thinking. You're hard to read and often hide your true emotions.

The Night I Cried

That day I cried. Buried my head in between two pillows & I cried. The whole night almost. I only stopped when fatigue got the better of my heartbreak. My pillow had never been so wet. It was drenched. My nose got blocked. I choked. A day when even music couldn’t help me overcome the pain. It was a night I’ll never forget. I had never been so much hurt in my entire life. It wouldn’t have hurt me so much had it come from someone I don’t love that much. But when it comes from someone I really love from the deepest core of my heart, my God it hurts like hell. It felt that a blast had taken inside me which couldn’t come out. I love to love people around me without caring if they love me or not. But then if I get this by loving people then I may just lose faith in love. My conscience tells me I’m not a bad guy though I may have many faults. It tells me I understand the true meaning of friendship, the true meaning of love & how to love the people around me. I always want to see people around me happy specially the people I love. I just want to love. Make this world a better place. But I get misunderstood. Maybe I should be meaner from now, more selfish & think about myself before thinking about others. Maybe then she will understand me.
But I cried………I cried the whole night…………….the pillow is still wet……….my heart still aches………I live in hope………..I’ll wait…………..I promise to be good………..I’m waiting………& waiting…………& waiting………..till I breathe my last………………..

Sister

Its bhai phonta today. True I have quite a few sisters from whom I get phontas I really miss not having a sis of my own. Well to me until now I find this relation to be the most divine. Among siblings I guess the relation that works out the best is between an elder brother & a younger sis. Many agree to this. It’s a relation where I have been able to love the most & from which I have received the maximum love. My parents may feel sad from such a comment of mine but then at this age that’s what I feel. Maybe if I grow up a bit more & get a bit more mature my perceptions would change. But let’s not delve into future. Sometimes I feel unlucky; sometimes I feel the lack of somebody other than parents & good friends in my life. That is the time I really feel the need of a sister. It’s nobody’s fault that I don’t have a sister of my own. Maybe in my reincarnation I’ll have one. But I really love the ones I have. Cousins they may be, but they are really really special to me. One bade goodbye a bit too early. And the other one I get to see once in every two years almost. Rotten luck! I tried to make some sisters from my very good friends. Didn’t run into any luck there either. So I really fear ‘making’ new sisters these days. I can’t allow this relation to be hurt in any way.
To me probably this relation defines love. At a stage when I was confused at to what love really is this relation taught me a lot. And my fucking heart can love a lot. More than it is capable of!!!! Then it starts to hurt sometimes. But then I don’t care. I just love to love…..